Biscuits Secret.

The thing which most people didn`t know and that no one will ever admit to you , is that Biscuits was an alcoholic. Bisky didn't like to talk about her boozy habits but she did like to swig down the whisky whenever there was a quiet spell with nothing to do and she would make these quiet spells in her day so that others  would leave her alone so that she could get on  with the task of being  a thorough drunkard. Bisky was too young really to ever have any liking or real need for the Booze but she did have an old whisky bottle which she found buried in the back garden, which she had cleaned and filled with water  and she would go hiccupping all around the lanes near her house so that the policeman and his wife, if they should see, would become quite worried about the condition of poor biscuits  and used to wonder  what they ought to do.

Although it was quaint of Biscuits to affect the mannerisms of an alcoholic it was something which extended way beyond the realms of being merely a bad joke. Biscuits had the whole routine down like a finely balanced act. Although many people talked about Old Jack, who would always sit on the bench outside the public house for sometimes the whole afternoon, no one would ever talk about Biscuits and some would say it was her lack of profile within the community on account of her being so small which had driven her to establishing this routine in the first place.

Although many would glance the way of old Jack, who would always sit on the bench outside the public house until many hours after they had finished drinking, there would not be any who would spare a scrap of conversation with him anything much of the time of day. Biscuits would wrap herself in old lettuce leafs to annoy the old codger and would dodge about in angry swerving motions to avoid his constant verbal abuse while  at the same time provoking it. He was not the first drunk in the world and he should very probably not be the last but if there was hope for drunks the world over that one could send to them en masse, it should be that they might have a friend like Biscuits. Biscuits made being drunk look very easy. She would do all sorts of things to make Old Jack`s life a misery. You hardly had to be drunk at all with Biscuits about  for if she became a little  drunk at all, by drinking too much water or sometimes fizzy pop, if she became drunk at all, then she could catch you off  guard with one of her drunken phrases like. "You know who you is you are you know." Which was always true no matter who you were. She would become all slurry and stupid after that. So no one would pretend that they had heard her when she said such stupid things. Things which were true anyway and did not really even need to be said.

They could not believe sometimes the rubbish that she would come out with when she would say things like: "There is more out than is in. More out than in you know." Until it became a mantra, I don`t think that anything she said made sense when she was in this mood and she would go on so that anything she said made sense  when she was in this mood and she would go on so that you were not going to forget what she has said until late into the middle of the nigh. So that you would not forget her when you went home and tried to sleep easy in the night.  You would hear the words: "There is more out than is in." repeated over and over. I don't think there is anything which she said which made sense most of the time anyway and there were few but Gerlinky who would trouble themselves to talk when she was sober. But when Biscuits was drunk she was terrible. There is nothing worse than a child of six or seven who is completely drunk and few would know as few have ever encountered a drunken biscuit.

There are eleven or twelve rules which should be observed if life is to be lived t its simples and this would be one of them. NEVER GIVE ALCOLHOL TO CHILDREN.
Although children will thank you they will not be grateful as a professional drinker like Old Jack would be grateful and who would still be pulling faces at you at three o`clock in the afternoon.

Biscuits hadn't wanted to become such an addict to the demon drink but since she had decided not to be tee-total she had some rum old times with Jack. Since discovering that she was an alcoholic Biscuits missed no social event  that ever took place in the village in order that she might reach the heights of alcoholic giddiness she had so long desired to arrive at. She would now progress with thanks to the Vicar`s wifes` supply, who had carelessly left a bottle of home made lemon fizz under one of the tables  at the village fete. Biscuits would now hold her nose with two fingers as she would down this lethal brew as if it were some godly nectar and not the urine of some farm animal, which it may as well have been. Biscuits did not like to make a show of her drinking and smoking really, though she nearly always would end up swaggering about puffing furiously at one of those sweet cigarettes  which adults buy for children to get them through their teens so they are bound to take up smoking for real. Child junkies are (like Biscuits,) so often the victims of their own making and in need of a little love when there isn`t any. Biscuits didn't see the wonder in it all or question why it was that she saw these things the way that she did when she had drunk too much water or whatever she was on. She was by then too drunk to notice. But she knew that she was bound to end up  in a huddled heap somewhere under a table  with her head spinning if she did not watch her drinking. She  knew if it didn`t get any better when her head  wasn`t spinning  and she just sat down and looked at the sky and it all seemed to go round and round and round and it wasn`t the clouds which were going in circles but her head so then she must have been drunk.

Biscuits didn`t know if she was drunk and she would just keep on behaving the same way as she was until someone said rubbish to her and she came to. Or someone said: "BOO!" She would promise herself that she was not going to become one of those ladies who spend half their lives saying they would give up when it suited them and when it suited them was when they were nearly dead on their feet. Then they would say that this was the best way to go. She would not become  one of those sorts of ladies who could spend their whole lives consuming large numbers of cigarettes and alcohol, she would make sure that she was as pure as the driven snow. She would not thank you if you spat in her face but would behave as though it had been her intention that you should do so and that she had manufactured the whole affair. "Most People are Rubbish!" she would say to herself huffily as she puffed elegantly on a cigarette and congratulated herself with another swig of whisky from the bottle  which was marked  with a label that said whisky but which contained only water.

It was through drinking that Biscuits would arrive at her most profound thoughts and these were often things to do with how difficult it is ever for a child to understand the things that grown ups do and that there are things  that a child must go through to become a grown up but these things are not particularly especial and happen to us all in anycase somehow so that the world thinks that it is special in some way while you yourself do not.

This was a peculiarly drunken thought, it has to be said, but however you look at life, life has a way of being drunk with you and tasting crap and horrid when you start off but somehow being alright later on if you can learn to somehow live with it. If anyone had told her that her life would be so childish and practically useless when she had grown up then she should have despaired. She could only do as could anybody, what (hiccup) it  (hiccup) was gods intention for her to do. So she found purpose and if it was not too (hiccup) profound for her readers at this point she might just go to bed or she might start another even larger bottle of fizzy cider which she had just found in the cupboard under the sink and which might not be cider at all.

Who would have thought this should have been left here all this time and that no one should have noticed it?